I would never have known you at all!

Don’t you love it when people decide to whinge on your behalf?

Actually, I don’t love it.

It makes thing so much harder. If something is already tricky, someone jumping on your bandwagon makes the load heavier to drag along! Now, if that persons hops in front and joins the team pulling the wagon, it can be an incredible support. But jumping up and down on the flat-tray of the worry wagon makes everything harder to pull.

Our first posting was full of rapid-fire changes. A new house, a new state—which was culturally very different—a new community. Family at a distance; new neighbours (which were amazing, by the way!); diverse attitudes of women connected to ADF members; and the contrasting perspectives of members of the public—everyone had an opinion. Positive and negative attitudes everywhere you turned—some were downright hostile.

A posting came after less than a year in that location, and everyone had an opinion about it!!

A woman who had taken us under her wing at the beginning of our Defence journey, we’ll call her Jo, was particularly vocal:

What! Oh, this is ridiculous. Don’t they realise how much this affects the families! You should refuse to go, you only just got here, we’ve only just got to know you, and they’re moving you on.

Could you do that—refuse to post? I didn’t know. I started to wonder what we had gotten ourselves into with years of moving ahead of us. Jo was so distressed and determined on our behalf. My wagon load became heavy and unstable as she jumped up and down on it. I wasn’t sure how to contribute to this discussion.

Jo had made a choice to stay ‘unaccompanied’, which means the serving member moves to a new posting location and the family remain in their current situation. (I have explained how this works in an earlier post.) Jo had teenage children and, as you might tell, she was sick of moving. I understand her more on this end of our family’s experience!

For our small, young family this move was as an adventure that lay ahead. How could I bridge the divide between our opinions without Jo feeling invalidated? While it was uncomfortable working out how to offer a differing point of view, it allowed me to consider what was really being said by Jo. Jo was going to miss us!

I offered:

Well, if we were not prepared to move in the first place, we would never have come here, and would never have known you at all. 

She replied:

I’ve never thought about it like that. We would have not known you, that’s right. Well, I’m on the tail-end of that journey and happy to put down roots, but I wish you all the best as you head off—no doubt our paths will cross again.

Jo had jumped down off the wagon-tray and moved around to the front, now part of the team. It was a pivotal realisation for Jo, and me, one that informed our family’s Defence path, dramatically. It became our salute to all the friends we have made when posting out of each location and our salutation to those waiting for us at our new location:

If I wasn’t prepared to move in the first place, I would never have known you at all.

This underlying theme is at the heart of the songs Military Wife and Build a Circle; it is the purpose that inspired founding the Australian Military Wives Choir, bringing together women who love to sing—women who understand the conditions of Defence life and are prepared to be part of your team, for a time.